Pacalai
by Chair love is immortal17
Summary: a "lovesick pallor"; the pale complexion of a woman suffering the separation from her husband or lover. Chuck/Blair


_and no matter_

 _how many shooting stars i swallow,_

 _i will never have enough wishes_

 _to bring you back._

 _even if i had the entire galaxy_

 _swimming in my veins._

 _-sana abuleil_

He was tired. Tired of the façade of being okay. Tired of forcing a smile and mingling with people, pretending he wasn't dying on the inside.

He wiped the stray tear from his cheek and excused himself from his guests. Going to his room to get something that, at the time when he had bought it, he never imagined he'd actually use. Then rode the elevator up to the roof, his favorite place to think- a bottle of scotch in his hand. He wanted to see his city sparkling in the night one more time.

Even though she couldn't see him, Blair noticed immediately when Chuck had left. Something in her gut told her she needed to find him. She tried to ignore the nauseous feeling and was successful, but only for a few minutes.

"Louis, will you excuse me for a moment? I need ladies room." She smiled at her husband, flawlessly carrying on the role she was forced to play.

"Of course," was his curt answer.

She pulled her hand from his and quickly wove her way through the crowded ballroom over to the bar where Serena and Nate stood talking.

"Have you seen Chuck?" she asked them, her eyes desperate.

"Not for a few minutes," Nate answered "Why?"

"B, are you okay? You look pale." Serena asked gently as she reached out her hand to brush Blair's shoulder. Of course Blair always looked pale now, it seemed the longer she was away from Chuck the more ghostly and fragile she became.

"I'm fine," Blair sounded distant and distracted. "I have to find him."

She turned away from her friends but didn't walk away- she just stared out into the crowd, thinking: 'Where would he go when he needed to be alone?' A memory from years past flashed before her eyes.

 _"You obviously don't know Chuck, he has a thing for rooftops."_

She gasped and her whole body started shaking. Ignoring Serena's question of concern, she made a beeline for the elevators.

When she reached them she jammed the button again and again. "Come on, come on, you piece of shit," she muttered under her breath.

Growing frustrated, she turned to a waiter who stood nearby.

"Where are the stairs?" She demanded.

He pointed at a door to her right.

Her heart was pounding in her ears and her hands were shaking. She ran to the door, yanked it open and flew up the stairs.

She was seconds from reaching the door to the roof when the sound of a gunshot rang through the stairwell and she heard a soft thump.

Blair yanked open the door and stumbled out into the cool night, her dress fluttering around her. She stood there for a moment looking around. She felt empty inside, like a part of her was missing. It was a feeling she was accustomed to, having been dealing with it for the past year but it was stronger now.

She walked forward a little way and looked to her left. Her heart stopped and she felt as though her soul was lying on the ground.

A strangled cry that was somewhere between a sob and a scream slipped from her mouth; a sound that seemed to echo through the night.

Her soulmate- the love of her life- the only man she ever truly loved, lay a few feet in front of her, as still as the night air around her. A bottle of scotch rested nearby and blood was pooling at the back of his head.

She ran to him and collapsed over his chest, her fingers in his hair. She didn't care that his blood now stained her elegant hands.

She buried her face in his chest like she used to when they would sleep and he would hold her in his arms. Sobs racked her body and her hands trembled as she clung to him. Blair pressed her lips to the place on his chest where his heart used to beat steadily. She would've given her own life just to hear that heartbeat one more time, just to have him wrap his arms around her waist and hug her back right now, to have him kiss the top of her head... to have him tell her he loved her.

She barely registered when someone screamed behind her and a man's voice called her name. She refused to look up and only realized what was happening when she felt arms around her waist pulling her off of Chuck. Taking her away from him.

She suddenly realized that she couldn't see Chuck anymore and panic overtook her. She turned in the person's grip and came face-to-face with Louis. Hatred washed over her at seeing him. She didn't want to be anywhere near him, and she definitely did not want to be in his arms.

She started shoving his chest, trying to extract herself from his grip. "Let go of me Louis. Let go!"

Through her haze of anger and sorrow she saw Serena out of the corner of her eye, stooping next to Chuck and touching his face gently.

In the back of her mind she knew Serena would never do anything to Chuck, but Blair was so delirious and heartbroken that the sight of another person touching him brought out a protective side of her that she never experienced. She smacked Louis as hard as she could across the face and wrenched herself free from his grasp. She ran to Chuck, covering his body with hers and pushing Serena away.

"Don't you touch him!" she sobbed.

Serena sat stunned where she landed. She stared at Blair, tears streaming down her own face.

The next week passed as an anguished blur for Blair. She didn't leave her bed, she didn't eat and didn't speak to anyone. She had shut down completely. She hadn't seen Louis since that horrible night, and she didn't want to ever see him again. She didn't wear her wedding rings anymore either and had thrown them away.

It was the night after Chuck's funeral. Blair had demanded to go despite her mother's and Dorota's pleas for her to stay home and rest. Blair was only able to stay long enough to see him one last time and to say goodbye. Dorota had had to take her home before the actual ceremony, because she'd been too weak and too broken to stay any longer.

Dorota was gone for the night and the only other person in the dark penthouse was Serena, who was asleep in her own room. Blair hadn't been out of bed at all that day, but now she stood in front of her full length mirror.

She stared at her reflection, then closed her eyes and thought back to the times she had been right here looking at herself in this very mirror. She was alone in most of the memories except for one: one stood out from all the others like a blinding light.

 _Chuck was behind her, his arm around her waist, his hand stroking her bare belly._

 _He kissed her shoulder softly, his other hand sliding up her leg._

 _"There is something alluring about a angel drawn to the dark side," he drawled._

 _Blair slowly turned around in his arms to face him._

 _"Or a devil redeemed," she whispered, her eyes twinkling._

 _Chuck smirked at her as he led her over to the bed._

Fresh tears rolled down her cheeks as she opened her eyes again. She hadn't washed her hair since yesterday and she was so pale she almost looked like a ghost. Blair thought she looked so fragile that if a breeze suddenly caught up in the room she'd simply float away.

She turned away from the mirror and quietly walked into her bathroom, being careful not to wake Serena. The hard tiles against her feet felt colder than usual and they made her shiver. She didn't care about being cold.

She went over to the medicine cabinet and pulled out a bottle of sleeping pills.

Blair stared at the bottle as another memory overtook her.

 _She linked her arm with Chuck's as they walked away from the dance floor._

 _"So you're ready head back to the real world?" He asked._

 _Blair looked up at him for a moment before grabbing his hand and pulling him into a back lounge. She pushed him into the middle of the room and kissed him, her hands sliding down his chest to remove his jacket. He kissed her back eagerly, his hands all over her, marking her as his forever._

 _Blair pulled back from the kiss and turned around so he could unzip her dress._

 _He slid the zipper down quickly and spun her around again so he could kiss her. She pulled his head down and stroked his cheeks, pressing her body against his. His lips traveled down her neck to her collarbone as his hands slid up her waist to cup her..._

Blair shook herself out of the memory, wiped more tears from her cheeks with a cold shaking hand and took the bottle back into her room, setting it on her nightstand.

She took heavy steps to her desk, pulled out a pen and paper, and wrote.

"I love you all dearly but I need to be with him to be alive and to be happy. I want to find peace with the man I love.

Blair Cornelia Waldorf"

She laid the pen over the paper and left it there. She knew Dorota or Serena would find it in the morning.

Blair climbed back into bed and picked up the bottle of sleeping pills. She poured half of them into her hand and swallowed them one by one with the glass of water on her nightstand.

She curled into a tight ball under her covers and closed her eyes.

Blair felt a warm breeze dance across her cheeks and the scent of peonies filled her lungs.

She opened her eyes to find that she was no longer in her bed. She was in a sunny meadow. Wild flowers were all around her and small purple butterflies danced in the air.

She looked down. She was barefoot and wore a long gown, more beautiful than any she'd ever seen. It was made from a sheer, skin-colored, silk-lined fabric dripping in quarter-sized holographic sequins.

She slid her hand down her waist, over the dress and picked up the hem.

Blair felt the material and sequins between her fingers. They felt odd, the sequins didn't seem to be made out of plastic, they seemed to be made out of crystal, paper-thin crystal, and the fabric was almost like spider's silk.

She noticed her hands looked strange. They were almost transparent and seemed to be suffused with light.

"Blair."

She froze. That was a voice she thought she would never hear again. It made her heart beat against her chest and tears come to her eyes instantly.

She held her breath and turned around slowly.

Leaning against a tree at the top of a grassy hill stood, in all his glory, Chuck Bass.

He looked just as beautiful as the last time she'd seen him. The only difference was his clothes. He wore dress slacks and a white dress shirt but no tie and jacket. He looked fresh and bright, like he'd just had a shower.

Blair gave a watery laugh, her voice shaking with tears. She picked up her skirt and ran up the hill.

He opened his arms to her and she ran to him with such force that she knocked them both to the ground. His arms were around her waist and he held her tightly against his body. She clutched his hair, his shoulders, holding onto him for all she was worth.

He placed his hands on her face and kissed her, kissed her like she hadn't been kissed in years. To her it felt like it had been years since she kissed him, since she'd been in his arms.

Blair pulled back after moment, breathless. She stared down at him, tears in her eyes. "I love you and I'm sorry."

Chuck gently pushed her off himself and stood up. He took her hands and pulled her up. "You have nothing to be sorry about, baby."

Blair smiled up at him as more tears slid down her cheeks. Chuck reached up and wiped them away with his thumbs.

The breeze Blair had felt earlier returned. It was stronger now but the scent of peonies was just as vivid.

Blair curled into Chuck as the wind whirled around them. She wasn't afraid. She wasn't completely certain what was happening, but knew it wasn't bad.

The wind swirled faster and faster around them, Blair's dress swirling around their legs, her hair encircling them in a brunette cocoon.

She looked up at Chuck. His expression was calm and his gaze full of more love than she'd ever seen.

She wrapped her arms tighter around him and pressed her ear to his chest. She needed to hear his heartbeat.

It was there, just as strong and comforting as she remembered. Blair held onto him tighter. Chuck's arms held tightly around her waist as he hugged her against his body. He kissed the top of her head softly, "I love you Blair."

Petals from the wildflowers were swept up into the breeze. The wind swirled as a bright light surrounded them.


End file.
